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Mind-Crush22 Comments

Mo’ Poly, Mo’ Problems

My first several years of poly were a series of false starts and broken hearts.  I’d get involved and emotionally connected and then WHAM!!! the rug gets pulled out one way or another.  It is a hard, bad thing.   I’ve had a partner go mono with new a partner, a partner who was actually cheating and subsequent dissembling of the web of deceit (blowback sucks balls), and a partner who decided she was mono and wanted me to forsake all others for her (and, if I really loved her, of course I would do this… or so went the logic).  Also, a partner who insisted I push all other relationships to the periphery – essentially making those others casual and very tentative – which I refused to do. 

It has been painful.  And, it seemed that I couldn’t manage a full year without one of these issues cropping up.  I was disillusioned and heartbroken.  I wondered why I was doing it so wrong.  Some of these folks were new to poly.  Only dating experienced poly people (the no newb rule) is only partially effective – as it didn’t help me in two of the four cases above.  They were more experienced in poly than I was.  I couldn’t suss out a pattern to help me select more judiciously.

I decided on two things about a year ago and I’ve essentially stuck to them.  The first, and probably most important thing, is that I decided that a broken heart isn’t the thing I’m most afraid of.  I must “love with abandon.”   A broken heart is not desirable but well worth the risk.  So, I need to place my bets on compatibility, chemistry and mutual investment.  Poly is only one element in that complex equation.  (more…)

Mind-Crush22 Comments

Getting in Shape for Poly

Use your outside voice
She encouraged softly
Be bold, expressive
Become intimate with desire
Walk the line 

Who are you waiting for?
Every moment’s new
Now’s your chance
Don’t hold back

Live out loud

I’ve found this easy to say, but hard in the living… Living out loud is exhausting. It draws on an astounding range of the resources we bring to this life. On most days, it requires a constant push. And, on a precious few glorious days, there’s a pull that draws me effortlessly along. Work is typically required.

Do you have the energy to be poly?  Is there enough of you to share more broadly?  Everyone should routinely ask themselves similar questions, when beginning poly and/or when entering new relationships.  I take a very simple (and probably common) approach to answering them by thinking about the different and limited levels of resources people have that are needed to manage the daily acts of living. When we engage in challenging and engaging activities, we often find our resources consistently drained in one area or another.  These depleted states limit our capacity to regulate our emotions and effectively apply our intelligence, our compassion, and our skills when needed.  Choosing a demanding life, a soulful life, or even a poly life requires building and maintaining the resources and energy needed, if you want to live it well. (more…)

Mind-Crush27 Comments

Love, Acceptance and Letting Go

I accept you for who you are, but I just can’t be in a relationship with you…  Are these contradictory sentiments?  If you really accept me, why can’t you love me and be with me?

I‘ve wrestled mightily with this apparent contradiction.  You see, a few years ago, I realized that a polyamorous relationship style was most compatible with my long-term happiness.  Not just that I can love more than one – I had already known that without internal controversy.  But, that loving more than one sustained me in a way that monogamy did not and could not.  I was then faced with the reality that not everyone wanted to love me as I wanted them to.  In those much darker early days, I frequently felt unaccepted and rejected.  I took more detours down shame alley than I care to remember.

Ultimately, I gathered my own footing, put shame in its rightful place, and accepted myself fully.  I began to insist that others accept me fully as well.  I was confronted with the difficult choice of either walking away from a wonderful woman or ditching polyamory.  As difficult as it was, I chose to walk away.  Rinse, wash and repeat.  Despite communicating clearly about polyamory to potential romantic partners, after these relationships became serious, I was still confronted with this same dilemma.  In short, these wonderful women suggested that if I loved them, I would forsake my polyamory for them.  My instinctive response was that if they really loved and accepted me, they would accept all of me including my polyamory.

That sounds reasonable, right? (more…)