On Staying Friends: Valuing People Over Relationships

Yeah…  ummmm…. what?

Romantic relationships are hard. Long-term compatibility is difficult and hard to predict.  Relationships end.  When they do, it seems that it is almost required for the former partners to nearly disavow the others’ existence.  Does it really make sense for us to discard people when those romantic relationships end?   What once was close connection becomes cold, distant.  Does my interest in you only extend as far as my romantic connection? Or, to put it more crassly, am I only interested in you if you’re sharing my bed?

No, emphatically no!  (well, maybe that occasional hottie who seduces me before I get my senses, which doesn’t happen very frequently).

I only choose to date people with whom I feel a broader connection. I keep my heart open – I don’t preciously guard connection, caring and even love.  They tumble forth when I connect.  I choose to love with abandon.  This does open up the possibility of getting my heart-broken.  I see no other way to live this life fully, passionately.  A broken heart is not my biggest fear. (more…)

On avoiding suffering

Starting with the idea that without pain, there is no joy.  I believe this, but I have found it utterly unhelpful in getting out of the mindset.  The mindset being one of minimizing pain, smoothing out the rough patches in life, etc.  I tend to think that this is a core part of the American Psyche.  It’s the idea that we can out work or innovate our way out of suffering of all kinds.  It seems to be viewed as, in essence, the fruit and chief signal of our superiority in the world to not need to deal with the petty and other cares that assault the ROW (Rest of World).

So many aspects of our culture in my eyes are linked to this idea.  From rampant consumerism (if I buy that BMW or those shoes or ??, then I can be happy) to recreational medicine (if I don’t look like I’m getting closer to death, perhaps I can avoid it all together) to an endemic lack of will to tackle big social or economic problems (blame the victim mentality of various stripes).  From that point of view, I could not have imagined that “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” ethos could be so pernicious.

The basic tendency to move away from pain or discomfort and move towards pleasure makes it very difficult for the idea of “without pain there is no pleasure” to land on people.  Or, to personalize, it resonates with me intellectually but is wholly unhelpful to me emotionally or psychically.  I might be willing to accept somewhat reduced positive affect to avoid the negative kind.  I believe lots of people would make that trade-off.  They’ll vote for emotional stability or, perhaps more precisely, lower variance in emotionality over truly experiencing the pains and joys of the world.  The fear of getting stuck or lingering too long or being permanently scared by those negative experiences keeps many people stuck in repression of all kinds. (more…)