On Revenge and Forgiveness

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
Josh Billings

Pain is too often the result of actions of people very close to us.  At times these actions are made with the intent of causing us pain.  Other times, we make bad decisions that we know will result in other’s pain – but that’s not our direct intention.  Still other times, we’re surprised with the impact of our words and actions. Regardless of intent, the pain is real, sometimes causing tremendous suffering.  What are we to make of this?

I’ve lately been thinking quite a bit about the pain we cause each other – and suffering more generally.  Most of this reflection has been focused on being willing to look squarely at the pain I have caused others; to not hide from it.  Accept it as real.  And then…

…forgive myself for it. (more…)

On avoiding suffering

Starting with the idea that without pain, there is no joy.  I believe this, but I have found it utterly unhelpful in getting out of the mindset.  The mindset being one of minimizing pain, smoothing out the rough patches in life, etc.  I tend to think that this is a core part of the American Psyche.  It’s the idea that we can out work or innovate our way out of suffering of all kinds.  It seems to be viewed as, in essence, the fruit and chief signal of our superiority in the world to not need to deal with the petty and other cares that assault the ROW (Rest of World).

So many aspects of our culture in my eyes are linked to this idea.  From rampant consumerism (if I buy that BMW or those shoes or ??, then I can be happy) to recreational medicine (if I don’t look like I’m getting closer to death, perhaps I can avoid it all together) to an endemic lack of will to tackle big social or economic problems (blame the victim mentality of various stripes).  From that point of view, I could not have imagined that “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” ethos could be so pernicious.

The basic tendency to move away from pain or discomfort and move towards pleasure makes it very difficult for the idea of “without pain there is no pleasure” to land on people.  Or, to personalize, it resonates with me intellectually but is wholly unhelpful to me emotionally or psychically.  I might be willing to accept somewhat reduced positive affect to avoid the negative kind.  I believe lots of people would make that trade-off.  They’ll vote for emotional stability or, perhaps more precisely, lower variance in emotionality over truly experiencing the pains and joys of the world.  The fear of getting stuck or lingering too long or being permanently scared by those negative experiences keeps many people stuck in repression of all kinds. (more…)